Next stop Corcoran

To my luck Corcoran is an all male state prison. If I was a man I'd find myself locked up with Manson for some pretty bad stuff. I know I'm not a psychopath, but sometimes I feel like it. Why would my mind let me think of such terrible things? I hate it so much. I never tell anyone these kinds of things because of course they'll flip the fuck out and never want to associate themselves with me. But then again isn't it human instinct to feed off of cruelty? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and every (wo)man is out there for to fight for themselves. Why is it so absurd for me to think of these things when horror movie directors think of it all the time and they are deemed "normal." I'm not saying that I'm trying to justify anything, but they are allowed to think freely and then act out what they had stored in their mind. Of course it isn't an "actual" reenactment because that would leave millions dead as of right now from all of the horror/thrasher films out there. I want to use my "creativity" to write a film script, and see it become a big screen hit. But I'm only me. Simple plain Jamie. Nothing is special about me. Nothing cool or interesting. There would be no way that I could even possibly get the opportunity to let that happen. I need to get my "stories" out there. By stories I mean the thoughts in my head. The scenes rush through my thoughts as if I'm watching a movie, but I can see myself in it. I hate that. I absolutely hate that. I don't want to be scared of telling someone about what goes on inside my head because when I bottle everything inside I explode. And the last time I exploded I attempted suicide. I can't keep going through the same cycle over and over. Because sooner or later I'm actually going to succeed. Whether it'll be accidental or premeditated I cannot say. I don't want to "threaten" or "promise" a suicide. I just try to silence my mind in situations where I am going crazy by trying to end my own life so that I won't be burdened with what goes on in my mind. I don't intentionally attempt suicide when I'm going insane in my head. I tend to premeditate my suicide when I am in a deep depression. But I don't want to go that way. And for those of you who know me and are reading this please don't be worried. What I am writing here is basically the innermost workings of my head. I get my emotions out through writing because I can't use my voice to explain how I feel since nobody is willing to listen. And I know I'm not a psychopath. I didn't grow up hurting others or anything. I'm a danger to myself. Everyone knows I"m a danger to myself. But I don't act on my thoughts. I just don't. Well except those that are self mutilation thoughts. Those I used to give into like no other. I have been clean for awhile from cutting because I made a promise to P- but it's so hard when you feel worthless despite having such a strong support system. My brain is completely backwards from what would be the norm. I want to cut sometimes. I want to bleed. I want to know I'm alive. I'm not crazy. I'm just trapped in my body with a bunch of demons. It's a life long war that I'm going to have to fight. It's a constant struggle. And I have no army to help me. All I have is myself.